What a 'LOVELY' day. Today we celebrated Teachers' Day and for my class, our dress-up theme was "School of Rock". It poured this morning and I arrived in school with my shoes and pants wet. The road was like... kind of flooded. And I greeted my classmates by falling down the stairs. How lovely. I slipped on the wet floor and tumbled (literally) into the canteen, landing entirely on my right side. My knee is now a most beautiful shade of blue, green and purple and looking like the size of a mini golf ball (that was an exaggeration but it did swell). And my entire right side hurts from shoulder to foot. Wth.

I went back to TMS. It was nice to see all those teachers again. But I saw him too. And for the first time in my life, I totally fell apart and lost it all. I actually friggin' cried in school. Twice. The first time I escaped to the toilet. But I was kind of cornered the second time. Goodness knows how many lame excuses I came up with about dust entering my eyes. Old habits die hard. I walked back to the MRT station from my school. Or more like, limped there actually. It was a half an hour walk. But who cares. I was in no condition to take a bus. And I always walk from TMS to the MRT station whenever I'm feeling like shit. Which is an understatement today.

And now, yours truly is down with a most fantastic runny nose and fever, coupled with a few coughs here and there. Like I said, 'shit' is an understatement. Talk about a series of unfortunate events. Bad things appear to enjoy clumping together and rain down upon their unsuspecting victim all at the same time.

Oh, my great-grandma has been discharged from the hospital. Thank God. But my aunt got admitted instead. =(

"I once read the sentence 'I lay awake all night with toothache, thinking about toothache and about lying awake.' That's true to life. Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about that fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

-C.S.Lewis
A Grief Observed.

How apt and true those sentences are. And yet I still couldn't stop myself from thinking, couldn't stop myself from hurting myself, couldn't stop myself from reading and looking at things that will hurt myself. Such irony. Hah.

And yes indeed, Pareto Optimality can never exist in real life. Whether in economics, or just simply, in life.

As of 24 Aug 2006, a part of me died.

Now I truly know what it feels like to cry until your eyes get so swollen you couldn't even open them fully in the morning. It was all I could do to hold back my tears in school today. Everything reminded me of you. But I was too late. And I don't blame you at all, so don't be sorry.

Kamui and Muffin, thanks for taking me out tonight. Thanks for making me forget, for even just that short 2.5 hours. I really had fun tonight. First time in Starbucks. First time drinking Earl Grey tea.

"Electric Hallucinations" - photoshop by Muffin

I went back to Temasek today with Marcus. I miss TMS SOOO MUCH! Even the bus trip there was so nostalgic, all the squeezing and squishing and all. All the familiar landscapes.. I alighted the bus, and saw people playing in the basketball court, where so many PE lessons were often held.. The parade square... the field..

I stepped into the school and the first familiar people I saw were Wenda and Chu Yuan. Gosh, I miss my juniors so much! They've grown so tall.. They were like smiling at me and their greeting was "You cut your hair." -_-!! And I went like "Yeah, and you guys grew taller." They smirked and said "But your height didn't change." Then I saw other juniors, PZ, JT and Sean. And they are ALL SO TALL! That is so unfriggin' fair. Even Sean has grown taller! Some growth spurt. -.- When I first met them, they were the same height as me, if not slightly shorter. But now, they're like towering over me. It must be the whole long pants illusion.

Then I went to sit in their CO practice. Saw Lao Zheng, and they were playing Fen Yong. Haha, same as what I'm playing in MJ. My precious gaohu is still with Wenda, it'd better not be oily. Had lots of fun and laughter talking to my juniors. And during debrief, Sean was like pressing down on my shoe and I was trying to lift it up. Then he suddenly realised how small my feet were, and was telling PZ and they started laughing and all. Mean little kids... Haha. But SHEESH, I MISS MY JUNIORS SO MUCH!

Okay, enough about that. Have I ever felt so lost and down in my entire life? Probably, but it is never pleasant to have a repeat of that kind of history. After I left TMS, I didn't even have the mood to go home. I just wanted to wander around.. walk a bit.. ponder about stuff.. I went back home.. laid on my bed, stared at the ceiling, my mind empty. Then I went to play the piano. Tinkered around with tunes from Goong, Feng and Sadness & Sorrow. I know not what to do anymore...

Life, is never a smooth, straight path. Littered and strewn with rocks and boulders, filled with twists and bends, life is made deliberately hard for us. Joy and sorrow, pain and hurt, these are all part and parcel of life. There're mountains and there're valleys. And right now, I'm in one of those valleys.

I have only one thing left to say: I am sorry for everything...

I think I almost died laughing in school today. First thing in the morning, we had Econs tutorial and Mr Aaron Tan went "Valerie, why you did chop it all off?" And he looked at me with this big-eyed expression before continuing "What made you cut it all off? Did something traumatic happen to you...? Or something depressing...? Or did you just wanna look like Sabrina?" -.-!! What the...?

Yeah yeah, I chopped off my hair. Literally. My once long wavy hair that fell to mid-back has been cut until chin length. Just a spur of the moment kind of thing.

The next laughing scene was during Biology tutorial. Mr Yeow was talking about the use of light gate to control time and bla bla bla. And he wanted us to guess this word and he drew out a number of blanks on the board, kind of like the game, Hangman. In the end, the word was guessed and he filled in the blanks, but realised that he has overdrawn the blanks. And the whole situation and his expression was so funny that the class erupted into hearty laughter. But Sabby was laughing so hard, so loud and so long, that I couldn't help but laugh at her laughter. And it was so funny that I rocked back and forth with mirth. Then Mr Yeow went something like "Oh, Val has disappeared.." Or sth like that. I can't really remember. But that was because I was bent over in laughter, holding my stomach. And I remember him telling me to BREATHE! BREATHE! And it was kind of like embarrassment mixed with mirth as the class like turned around to look at me.

At 5.05pm, I was never more grateful when the bell finally rang. I was half-dead from exhaustion and from a lack of sleep. Before leaving the college, I accompanied Doris to the staffroom to check her bio consultation slot, then I saw Mr Cia. And he waved to me and beckoned me over. Oh no... AND the next thing I knew, I was sitting at one of the tables in the staffroom, folding and cutting programme sheets for him. -.-!! Haha, and Doris got dragged along by me. =P But it was pretty fun la, not the folding and cutting I mean. The funny conversations exchanged and finally having a good look at what's actually inside the staffroom.

Then while doing all the cutting and folding, Mr Yeow came strolling by and when he saw us sitting there in the staffroom, he was so shocked, his mouth fell open and he halted in his steps. Then he saw what we were doing and he went something like slaving or something. Haha. Then Doris and I laughed. And to thank us for our help, Mr Cia got us ice cream from Perkafe! Yeah, I was starving. So we paused work and ate ice cream. Then Mr Yeow walked past again and went "Are you all hungry-" His sentence cut off when he saw the ice cream cups in our hands. HAHAHA! Another funny expression and this time, we did burst out laughing. And I think I'm just waaay over-stressed. I couldn't stop laughing after that. And the staffroom was extremely quiet, I wanted to just hightail out of there and have a good laughing fit outside before coming in to resume work. Doris and Mr Cia thought I'd gone mad. HAHAHA. In a way, perhaps. =)

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my most lethal obsession yet. Princess Hours, aka Goong. Never in my entire life have I ever been this hooked, ensnared, addicted, enraptured and what have you, to anything. But this Korean drama series, really, really - oh my goodness - got me sooo crazed that I actually watched the entire series of 24 episodes in 3 days and slept at 5am for all three days. The next two consecutive days, I slept at 4am. And I even wrote down all the nice, lovely and touching quotes. Like - play, pause, write, play, pause, write. Then when I saw the soundtrack at HMV, I grabbed it off the shelf and bought it without a second thought even though it costs $28.95. And oh heck, I even DREAMT of it! I have gone absolutely stark raving mad.

Okay, enough about Princess Hours (Shin is sooo cute! >.<). Night study is pretty 'shiok'. I actually stayed in school and did my homework till 8.55pm. Brain feels like mush now. And even so, I still have uncompleted homework. Ugh. What a vicious cycle of never-ending homework.

After a whole series of mind-boggling vectors lectures, they finally began on Differentiation. I flipped open the first page of the lecture notes and I wanted to cry. I thought vectors was bad, but my goodness, it surely doesn't beat differentiation. Like seriously, what is the use of differentiation in our career? Unless, yours is to be a math teacher of course. But really, if say like you wanna be a doctor, like... 'hey, somebody dy/dx the angle at which the scapel should go in.' Like, seriously... Okay, my point is, I don't like math. Hahaha!

Alright, pringles and my econs case studies calls. Ciao!

I am currently enraged, pissed, mad, angry, depressed, disappointed and what not on so many levels and beyond reason. My lovely lovely holidays have been robbed away. I actually have Econs make-up tutorial after NATIONAL DAY CELEBRATIONS!! Oh joy, I have never ever, in my entire life, heard of tutorials after a National Day Celebration. And that designated school holiday the day after National Day? That too, is gone. Again robbed away by an Econs make-up lecture. SERIOUSLY?!

Unfortunately yes. No matter how much I rave and rant to my poor walls and my friends (who had to suffer with the unpleasant tirade of words pouring forth from my furiously typing fingers), I still have to go to school on a school holiday!! *wails!!!* No more R and R. And it's work work work all the way! *sobs*

Somebody, please, kill me now.

PS: I'm just kidding. About the killing part I mean.

Kaname Kuran.

I have totally, completely and irrevocably fallen prey to those soft brown eyes and messy wind-blown hair. Ahhh... *melts* Yes! It is Kaname Kuran of Vampire Knight, the object of my latest obsession. It's quite a new manga. Only the 3rd book of the english series is out and 2nd book of the chinese series. The artwork is really good (else I wouldn't have fallen in love with a complete, total fictional character) Hahaha. Ah damn it, he's sooo cute!! >.<

I can't wait for the weekends to arrive! Cos I'm SO going to Kinokuniya to splurge on books!! Shopping spree man! New books! Simply can't wait! Oh, the thrill of it all! And I can't wait to for next week to come either! National Day holidays!! Finally, some R and R for my poor brain and body. Time to catch up on some work too! Alright, better get going, tutorial calls. Haha. Ciao!